“Did You Ask Your Wife?” (Part 1) — Frank Love on Relationships
Sensitivity is important. That assertion is unequivocal. However, there are times when an attempt to be sensitive to one person can insult another. Imagine someone walking up to your 5 year old out of the blue and asking them “Does mommy/ daddy treat you fairly?” because they want the child to feel cared about. If that happened to me I would probably feel insulted at the loaded nature of the question. “What would make you think that you even need to question whether my child is fairly treated?,” I would say to myself and maybe even to the questioner.
“Did you ask your wife?” is a question that some of us find irritating and insulting.
I recently had two experiences where I was triggered in this manner. I invited some people to my home and one of the people that invited said, “Make sure you ask your wife. We want to make sure that it’s ok with her.” Then, on a different occasion, my family was invited to someone else’s home . I accepted the invitation and the host responded, “Run it by your wife and let me know.”
I have little doubt that there was any ill intention meant by the people who expressed their concerns. However, I was triggered, and wanted to say to each of them, “Please do not interject yourself into how my wife and I communicate and work with one another. We’ve got this.” Or “mind your mutha******* business.” I definitely did not say the latter.
River and Jordan are five years married. Jordan enjoys company coming by the house frequently and River is amenable to having house guests, but is more prone to having selected days when company comes and preparing the house so that it is “suitable” before guests arrive. Because of River’s preference River wants Jordan to give advance notice when Jordan wants company to come so that River can weigh in on whether it may be a bad time/ day or not and so that the adequate preparation can be put into effect in the house. While Jordan understands, is often compliant and respectful of River’s desire there are times when Jordan doesn’t always give the requested notice.
To address this, River has asked Kennedy, a close friend of Jordan’s, and a frequent visitor to let River know when they (Kennedy and Jordan) have made plans for Kennedy to come by the house, since Jordan forgets sometimes, and under the guise of, “you all’s decision may have an effect on me, so I should have some say about whether it will occur or not.”
All decisions that one partner makes has an effect on the other, from the street that we cross to whether we have a party at our home this weekend. And ideally both partners will have a direct or indirect sense of whether the other partner is in support of it or not. However, the way that the parties within a relationship consult with one another is best left to the parties within that relationship.
The way that parties work together does not need to be vetted by outside parties unless he collective deems it necessary. These individuals may talk to each other before making any decision, such as crossing a given street. They may also give a proverbial blank check to one or both by noting “Any issue that has to do with money you will make the decision about and you have my full support.” Or they may not talk to or consult one another. The dynamic between the parties can be one of these or many others.
River’s request of Kennedy is a potential problem because River is informing Kennedy that there is a breakdown in communication between River and Kennedy. It is very possible that River is quietly saying “The information sharing between Jordan and I is not to my liking. So before, you take Jordan’s word about your presence being welcome, consult with me first.”
In the provided example, River’s directive to Kennedy poses several challenges. They are:
River is informing Kennedy (a third party) that there are challenges with the communication in River and Jordan’s marriage. Communication challenges pretty much come with the territory of being in a relationship and getting to know one another as we encounter various phases that we individually and jointly deal with over the years and possibly decades together. It is it not necessary or healthy for our relationships to involve others when we have a communication challenge, especially without the consent of our partner. Most people already assume that we have a communication challenge. It’s common.
Ideally, River gets to resolve any communication issue that involves their marriage inside of their relationship. This does not, in any way, suggest that outside help may not be valuable to the health of their relationships. Relationship coaching is the point of this blog, and providing value to reader is the goal. However, if a person is reading this for support they are not interacting directly with the author and they are not directly involving a third party. When we directly seek the assistance of a third party, it is important to get the support of our partner. This means that our partner has bought-in to the third party supporting our relationship. Without that mutual support, involving a third party can reasonably be considered a betrayal. To avoid this betrayal and let’s work with our partners one-on-one to resolve our issues without involving anyone else. If we require the support of someone else, let’s get it with our partners.
If River is irritated with the communication culture of the relationship, the fix is ideally implemented within the union. Not by involving someone else to fill in the missing details that the partner is leaving out. When we bring someone else into our relationship, we also bring their issues and their agenda too. This often complicates matters. Work to keep things simple.
While there is a general bias towards people in a relationship communicating their plans and intentions with each other, not all couples function this way. Some couples “do their own thing.” This means that Jordan may not be discussing plans with River, because Jordan doesn’t want River to know about them or comment about them. This is not suggested. However, some couples function this way. and it is not our place to get in the way of this form of communication. Though it may be our place to get out of the way of it. As we work to make sense of the challenges that so many of us face in our relationships, let’s keep in mind that we are also teaching people outside of our unit. We are teaching them how to treat us as individuals, how to treat our partners and how to treat our unit. Use these teachable moments to note that we will work together to make decisions and resolve any challenges that we may encounter without the unsolicited help of outsiders. And if help is requested or needed WE will ask for it. It is a way of protecting our union and our partners … and that’s loving.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love coaches individuals who are in (or wish to be in) a relationship on ways to be more loving. He is also the author of “Relationship Conversations You Don’t Want to Have (But Should Anyway)” and “25 Ways to Be Loving.” To schedule a free consultation, contact Frank at Frank@FrankLove.com.
Originally published at https://frank-love.com on June 27, 2022.
