Poverty in Relationships

Many of us are so focused on making money that we forget about building the wealth within our loving relationships.

In my previous blog post, “The Superpower of Support, Part II,” I talked about how our partners deserve our support even when we don’t agree with or understand their objectives. Check it out.

As I review various resources to define poverty, I find it interesting that the first two websites I visited used the face of African women to capture poverty’s essence. It wasn’t that it was simply one picture of an African woman and another of a Russian man, as examples; both were African women. Imaging is powerful on many levels. We can discuss my take on propaganda at another time.

It is also no surprise that poverty is characterized, at least in part, by a lack of money.

There are prevailing sentiments throughout Western culture, which of course spans far beyond the physical west, such as:

• Money makes the world go ’round.
• It’s all about the Benjamins.
• If you want to know what happened, follow the money.

With sentiments like these, there is little wonder why a lack of money is a defining element when discussing poverty. We are convinced that without it, life cannot be good.

However, as I exist and coexist in the realm of looking at and assessing various dynamics related to relationships, I have noticed poverty in one of the places where few look . . . in our interactions with one another.

Relationship Poverty Isn’t About Money

There is poverty where there is money. There is poverty where there are good-paying jobs. There is poverty where there are people with advanced degrees. But this poverty is different than lack of money.

I often share personal anecdotes when I am discussing a concept. And they might not leave me looking good to the audience. That is fine with me. I work to be vulnerable and to share my challenges and mistakes. But on this issue, I’m a little amiss. I didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but I was rich.

I’m 51, and for all of my 51 years I have never known my father to be employed, i.e., to work for someone else. He has always worked for himself, and he has always taken care of his family. But more than giving money, he gave his time. I didn’t always enjoy it. There were times when I thought my ears were going to fall off from one of his lessons.

In part, he gave me his time because I worked with him. He didn’t leave me at home while he worked. He took me with him. And he included my friends and siblings also. I look back on those days, and I am in awe of the wealth I inherited.

Redefining What Poverty Means

It’s said the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing people he doesn’t exist. And very few people with money, good jobs, or advanced degrees know they are living in poverty . . . right now.

How? you might ask. How can people who have many of the things most of us only dream about be in poverty? They are in poverty because many of them, though not all, no matter how much they have, remain dissatisfied and discontent.

• Investopedia defines poverty as “the state or condition in which people or communities lack the financial resources and essentials for a minimum standard of living.”
• Google defines poverty as “the state of being inferior in quality or insufficient in amount.”

Now, let’s look at the state or condition in which people lack the emotional resources and essentials for a minimum standard of living. Or the state of being inferior in quality in our relationships. That feels like poverty to me.

Building Relationship Wealth

Entrepreneur and author Jim Rohn said, “Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom.” He didn’t say make more money. He said wish to be better, get more skills, and get more wisdom. That is riches. That is abundance.

We often can’t take care of our partner because we are tired after working all day. That’s poverty. We’re trading money for our opportunity to connect. We’re poor in connection. We can’t go to our children’s parent-teacher conference or sports games or spelling bees because we have to work. We’re poor in supportiveness. Or we can’t teach our children to cook, clean, or create because we worked too hard today. We’re poor in our basic responsibility to teach our children.

Too often, we are focused on money when thinking about what we want to create in our homes, in our families, in our marriages. And these creations often cost little to nothing. We are in poverty, so we focus on money and gaining more of it. Yet our families suffer.

Making Money Is Secondary to Relationship Riches

If you have a roof over your head — not a mansion — a roof and heat or air-conditioning as you require . . . or if you have eaten at your regular interval and you want to find wealth today, go spend time with your spouse. Work on a project with your children. Teach your children a skill and be happy doing it. That is wealth.

One who has family and friends is richer than one who has money.

African Proverb

The riches we so desire may already be present . . . if, and only if, we appreciate them. And if we celebrate them.

I promise there is no amount of money we are going to amass that leads us to say, “I have enough. I’m good. I can rest now.” But we can say and believe each of those things right now.

Moving forward, please consider making our job secondary to the richness of our family and the depth of the time and the experiences that ensue with our partner and children. They will appreciate it in the years to come, and so will we. And that’s loving.

Keep Rising,

Frank Love